The Nitty Gritty

I discovered that there are a lot of pregnant women who do not reveal the truths behind embarking this motherhood journey. From my experience the appropriate color to link it to is gray which means sorrow, security, maturity, and dependability. It connotes responsibility and conservative practicality. It also imparts emptiness and detached feelings. Pregnant women’s hormones make them feel happy and sad- a sadness that leads to nonsensical tears. Today I cried because my bra and underwear were not in perfect accordance, as nothing fits I am left with limited options. My emotions have been a blended mix of indifference and happiness. Often times people have asked, “Are you happy?” I guess that question arises from that indifferent feeling. I never feel good. I either feel horrible, bad, or okay. Five months later and my food still will not stay in my system and I feel entirely too weak to make the bed at times. This is the sorrow feeling. However, I feel more secure in my marriage as my husband tries to cater to his wife’s pregnant needs. I am completely depended on him and love that his excitement keeps him taking care of me. I feel responsible for another life and conservative in my choices. I am in control of what I eat, drink, and put in my body. I will never comprehend pregnant women who smoke or drink alcohol, feeding this defenseless baby poison.

There are also physical attributes that change. My skin and throat feel like the Sahara Desert begging for some hydration 24/7. My back and neck pound with ache. My sides and abdomen cramp and when I walk I cannot breathe fluidly- the huffing and puffing looks like I am in Lamaze class. Everything is in excess or deficient. I cannot go to the bathroom in days and some days…well you know the rest. I find myself having to floss twice and much and q-tips are in high demand. These excess elements coincide with the aforementioned. I also have “silky throat,” a yucky yellow colored flam feeling in the back of esophagus that makes me feel nauseous. I wish that I could say while you are experiencing all these symptoms people are always sympathetic. However, I discovered that while living in New York and having to take the train during rush hour, it is every man for himself. Two days ago, I took the train and made eye contact with the man sitting in front of me. He looked down and saw that I was pregnant. I tried to make the contact again, but his guilty eyes skipped rapidly until he felt very “drowsy” all of a sudden and closed his eyes his ride home. Despite everything I have gone through I love the idea of being a mother and starting a family. This makes me love and appreciate my mother a little more each day!